To read part one, go here.
I was the Chorister for the children in my church. I loved the calling,
though I was not very good at it. As soon as I received the calling to
be the chorister, my talents and abilities with music drained from me. I
couldn't even sing right. Conducting was a struggle, even though I learned years ago how to do it. It was very awkward. I felt frustrated, knowing that I knew a great deal about music, but when it came to my calling, I suddenly became a blundering idiot. I had no idea how to teach these children how to love music as much as I do, and I found myself constantly having to relearn everything that I had learned in a lifetime! I'm sure it was equally as frustrating to those who were over me in stewardship. Teaching me, and re-teaching me, and finally, I got it! (At least enough to be mediocre at it.)This sudden disability was a blessing in disguise, because I was able to see first hand what it is like to have no musical talent and still love music.
On Veteran's Day this year, my throat felt like I had a piece of lava rock inside. The pain traveled down the right side of my throat, into my chest cavity. I thought I had strep throat and was getting bronchitis. If it weren't for the fact that my goiter was growing and rock solid, I wouldn't have thought anything of it. I used essential oils on my neck, hoping that if it were bronchitis or strep throat, that the oils would clear it up. My beautiful sister was getting married that weekend, and I really wanted to be there for her. Tim and I had saved for the occasion of going to her wedding. The preparations were being made in order to go, and have the animals taken care of while we were gone. The following day, I felt even worse. The essential oils had helped the pain for my throat inside, but I realized it was the outside of my throat where the pain was coming from. When my right shoulder started hurting, and the pain was excruciating, I knew at that moment that something was wrong other than a simple strep throat or bronchitis. I decided to call my sister (the second one who had thyroid surgery just recently.). I was looking for peace and comfort in believing that this could not be cancerous, since now two of my sisters had their thyroids removed due to cancer. My thyroid was very different than it had been before. In talking to her, all my symptoms had been pointing towards a cancerous thyroid, and to the possibilities of inflammation in the lymph nodes. She told me that the quickest way to find out what was going on was to go to the doctor. "Well," I thought, "I really want to go to my sister's wedding, and this can wait until I get back next week."
It didn't happen that way...
Before we left home, I called my oldest sister, (I have 7 sisters, so she is the oldest of seven) to see if she had some GX Assist(Do-Terra Product) that I could buy when I get down there. She did not have any with her, but it was at her home which was miles away from where the wedding was going to take place. She STRONGLY encouraged me to go to the doctor, which was not what I wanted to do. Tim had just started a new job, and he had not been there long enough to get the health insurance benefits. Nevertheless, because of my sweet sister's generosity, I promised her that I would go to the doctor. I set an appointment for the following Monday. After family found out that I was having health issues, there were some who advised me not to take the trip at all. We were planning on making the trip regardless, when we found out that our only functioning vehicle was having transmission problems. We resolved to stay home and wait for the doctor appointment.
I went to the doctor, and told him about what had happened. He ordered a cat scan, and I went over to the local hospital to get it done. The gentleman who did the cat scan was very polite and informing. We had a good conversation and he showed me the pictures of the cat scan when they were done. The cat scan showed a mass (my thyroid) pushing my trachea to the side, and pinching on both my airway and my heart. He told me he could forsee a lot of doctors in my future...
The next day, my doctor called, and we discussed setting up a biopsy. He wanted to know if my thyroid was cancerous or not. I went with my visiting teacher to get the biopsy the following week, and they drained a cup and a half of fluid from my goiter! I can breathe much easier now, but the numbness on my right arm up my collarbone was still causing problems. I went into the doctor's office because it was really bad one day. I wanted to see if I was having a stroke, as well as to get the results of the biopsy. The results?- My thyroid was cancer free! So, I could breathe again, I didn't have cancer, AND now I was seeing what was going on with my heart. I had an EKG done, and a chest x-ray. My heart was doing fine! I think the nerves that my goiter was sitting on were getting their feeling back after the recent biopsy/drainage. The next step?- talk to a surgeon about getting the thyroid removed. WHAT??!??
With the problems resolved temporarily, I didn't think I had a need for surgery. Once again, I was in the same place I was ten years ago with getting my thyroid removed. This time, I would have the same notion to exhaust every other option out there once again. With every other option that was tried, there was always a dead end involved. It was either leave it in, and risk dying of suffocation, or stroke, or get it removed with the risks that surgery entails.
I went to the surgeon. It was scheduled on my birthday. I was hoping to hear an alternative way to avoid surgery. I did not receive that. I did receive the reality of my situation. I will be guaranteed another scar. This one will be in the middle of my neck, across my vocal area. This incision is important so my surgeon can have access to my vocal chord area in order to remove the thyroid that is ingrained inside. I will be guaranteed that no matter what happens, good or bad, my voice will never be the same. Vocal thereapy is a BIG possibility. I have the risks of 1 in 10, where others having the same surgery would have a 1 in 100 chance of something going terribly wrong. I am also guaranteed to have the best of the best surgeons doing my surgery, which means nothing unless his hands will be guided by the spirit. I have my surgery date set, and with all the possibilities surrounding me, I have to admit, a portion of what the surgeon was saying to me slipped my mind. I tried to ignore some of the things that would sadden me, because it was my birthday, and I wanted to have a good day. So, I don't remember it all. My sweetheart, Tim, doesn't remember it all either, because it was hard for him to take it all in as well.
Questions started looming around in my head...Why now? My
thyroid growing back and regulating itself was a gift given to me by my
Father in Heaven! He knows how much I hate taking pills! He knows how
much I love to sing! He knows how much I love to talk to people! So why
would He take everything that I can identify with who I am away? A lot
of fasting, pondering, and prayer is taking place in my life right
now...Why would The Lord keep my life the first time around, just to
have me go through the same thing ten years later?
With the date set, I needed some reassurance that surgery was the best choice. I had been pondering and praying in my heart with no response. Finally, I had a prompting to call my mom. I know for a fact that this was a prompting, because although I love my mom so very much and admire her for her strength and character, she can come across as straight to the point and almost brutal at times. This was why I normally wouldn't think of calling my mom in a tender moment like this, where I felt like my whole world was falling apart. I did not need to have the added feeling of being a weakling on top of it all. I just needed to know what HE wanted me to do with this gift that was given to me, and calling my mom was the answer.
I updated her on what was going on, and she asked me a series of questions. I was going to go and get a second opinion from the endocrinologist I saw many years ago. She told me that I was getting a Sixth opinion. The first opinion was the original doctor. The second opinion was the cardiologist. The third opinion was from a Irisologist. The fourth opinion was The surgeon's, and the fifth opinion was hers. So getting another opinion would have been the sixth. Then she asked me what was my reasoning why I didn't want to go through surgery this time. What I could think of at first was that I didn't want a big ugly scar across my neck and out in the open. She responded "That is pride. Next?..." Then I brought up how I felt like my thyroid was a gift from God to have it grow back and regulate itself. Her Response: "You're right. It is a gift from God, and think of all the wonderful things you were able to do with your voice all these years. If you didn't mention to the surgeon that you didn't want your vocal chords touched last time, the surgeon might have removed your vocal box in the first place, which these past ten years you wouldn't have had." one by one, I gave my responses on why I was nervous and worried about the surgery. One by one, she calmed my fears, and helped me to see that This is the path The Lord wants me to take. I might never be able to sing again. I may never be able to speak. I may even die during the surgery. I won't know until it happens.
Some things I do know-----
We all have a Father in Heaven who loves us and wants us to grow in our experiences here on earth. Without trials of our faith, how can we truly grow? No matter what comes out of this, it will be what Our Father in Heaven wants, and that this experience is either to prove to Him that I truly do believe in Him and His many miracles, or it is to change my life, pointing me in the direction I need to go. He has given me the breath of life and at any moment He could take it away. I only want to do what HE wants me to do.
